The Marriage map
Just like children, marriages go through different developmental stages and predictable crises. But because people are unfamiliar with the normal hills and valleys of marriage, these predictable transitional periods are often misunderstood, causing over-reactions. Those who manage to weather these universal stormy periods usually come out the other side with greater love and commitment to their spouses. Consider this Marriage Map.
Stage
One- Passion prevails
Head over heels in love, you can't
believe how lucky you are to have met your lover. Much to your amazement, you
have so much in common: you enjoy the same hobbies, music, restaurants and
movies. You can finish each other's sentences. When you pick up the phone to
call your partner, he or she is already on the line calling you. When little,
annoying things pop up, they're dismissed and overlooked
At no other time in your
relationship is your feeling of well being and physical desire for each other
as intense as it is during this romantic period. The newness and excitement of
the relationship stimulates the production of chemicals in your bodies that
increase energy, positive attitudes and heighten sexuality and sensuality.
While in this naturally produced state of euphoria, you decide to commit to
spending the rest of their lives together. And marry, you do. But soon, your
joy gives way to an inevitable earth-shattering awakening; marriage isn't at
all what you expected it to be.
Stage
Two- What was I thinking?
In some ways, stage two is the most
difficult because it is here that you experience the biggest fall. After all,
how many miles is it from bliss to disillusionment? Millions. For starters,
reality sets in. The little things start to bother you. You realize that your
spouse has stinky breath in the morning, spends way too long on the toilet,
leaves magazines and letters strewn on the kitchen counter, and never wraps
food properly before it's put in the refrigerator.
Although you once thought you and
your spouse were kindred spirits, you now realize that there are many, many
differences between you. You're confused. You argue about everything. When you
remind yourself you made a life-long commitment, you start to understand the
real meaning of eternity.
Ironically, it is in the midst of
feeling at odds with your once kindred spirit that you are faced with making
all sorts of life-altering decisions, such as whether and when to have
children, where to live, who will support the family, who will handle the
bills, how your free time will be spent, how in-laws fit in to your lives, and
who will do the cooking. Just at the time when a team spirit would have come in
mighty handy, spouses often start to feel like opponents. So they spend the next
decade or so trying to get their partners to change, which triggers stage
three.
Stage
Three- Everything would be great if you changed
In this stage of marriage, most
people believe that there are two ways of looking at things, your spouse's way
and your way, also known as the Right
Way. And rather than brainstorm creative
solutions, couples often battle tenaciously to get their partners to admit they
are wrong. That's because every point of disagreement is an opportunity to
define the marriage. Over time, both partners dig in their heels deeper and
deeper.
Now is the time when many people
face a fork in the marital road. Three choices become apparent. Convinced
they've tried everything, some people give up. They tell themselves they've
fallen out of love or married the wrong person and they divorce. Other people
resign themselves to the status quo and decide to lead separate lives. But
there are still others who decide that it's time to begin to investigate
healthier and more satisfying ways of interacting. Although the latter option
requires a major leap of faith, those who take this leap are the fortunate ones
because the best of marriage is yet to come.
Stage
Four- That's just the way s/he is
In stage four, we finally come to
terms with the fact that we are never going to see eye-to-eye with our partners
about everything and we have to figure out what we must do to live more
peaceably. We look to others for suggestions; we seek religious counsel, talk
to close friends and family, attend marital therapy, read self-help books, or
take a relationship seminar. Those of us who are more private look inward and
seek solutions there.
We more readily forgive our spouses
for their hardheadedness, and recognize that we aren't exactly easy to live
with either. When disagreements occur, we make more of an effort to put
ourselves in our partner's shoes. We recognize that, as with everything in
life, we have to accept the good with the bad. Fights happen less frequently
and when they occur, they're not as intense or as emotional as in the earlier
years of marriage. And because we're smart enough to have reached this stage,
we reap the benefits of the fifth and final stage.
Stage
Five- Together, at last
It is really a tragedy that half of
all couples who wed never get to stage five, when all the pain and hard work of
the earlier stages really begins to pay off. Since you are no longer in a
struggle to define who you are and what the marriage should be, there is more
peace and harmony. You start "liking" your spouse again.
By the time you reach stage five,
you have a shared history. And although you'd both agree that marriage hasn't
been easy, you feel proud that you've weathered the storms. You appreciate your
partner's sense of commitment to making your marriage last. You feel more
secure about yourself as a person and you begin to appreciate the differences
between you and your spouse. And what you don't appreciate, you find greater
acceptance for. If you have children, they're older and more independent,
allowing you to focus on your marriage again, like in the old days. And you
start having "old day feelings" again. You have come full circle.
I'm certain that if more couples
realized that there really is a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, they'd
be more willing to tough it out through the downpour. The problem is, most
people fool themselves into thinking that whatever stage they are in at the
moment is where they will be forever. But it's important to remember that
nothing lasts forever. There are seasons to everything in life, including
marriage. The wiser and more mature you become, the more you realize this. The
more you realize this, the more time you and your spouse spend hanging out in
stage five. Together again, at last just the way it began.
It’s our sincere prayer that you
get to enjoy your marriage at stage five to the fullest.
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